"My friends, I say, my friends... And you are all my friends... I look out over this great crowd, and I thank my loyal staff for showing up to support me. You are my true friends. And as I look out, I see you. And, my friends, as you look back at me, you see me, too."For those of you who are here this evening -- perhaps you don't know why exactly. You were simply on the street, maybe, and someone gave you five dollars and the promise of a free drink later... I also count you as friends. Thank you for being here.
"But let me quickly get to my speech this evening, friends. We're here in New Orleans. And FEMA will be holding a press conference in this hall in a half hour, so we need to hurry. On the other hand, my friends, they might not show up at all, in which case I reserve the right to extend and revise my remarks.
"First, let me say congratulations to Senator Obama. Congratulations.
"Second, let me say 'job well done' to my dear, dear friend, Senator Clinton. You fought a hard campaign, but because of the pundits mostly, with a slight assist from the voters, you were not able to prevail. You're still likable enough, my friend. To your very bitter supporters, Senator Clinton, let me say this: You are my friends. And as I share with you your feelings of profound disappointment, let me quickly turn it to my advantage, and ask you to overlook our vast philosophical differences, not to mention your obvious self-interest as Democrats, and ask you to vote for me.
"Senator Obama speaks eloquently of change. But it is not a change we can believe in. He offers hope, but it is not a hope we can believe in. He offers a new direction, he offers peace and prosperity, a partnership with the American people, a responsible presidency, an outlook for the world that is based in respect and mutual well-being. But it is not a new direction, peace and prosperity, a partnership with the American people, a responsible presidency, or an outlook for the world that is based in respect and mutual well-being that we can believe in. In short, whatever Senator Obama offers, it is something that we cannot believe in.
"My friends, you know me. You know my record, my character. You are well aware how when I came back from Vietnam, I found my first wife all crippled up, then started cheating on her within a month with Cindy, then divorced her and married Cindy. You know my character is good. You also well remember my part in the Keating 5 scandal. And you know that I am to be completely trusted, my friends, that I am above reproach. But, my friends, you don't know about Senator Obama. He might, he may eventually do something wrong.
"Senator Obama keeps repeating something about me, my friends. And he says it over and over, that I am running for George W. Bush's third term. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I spoke with the president today, in fact, and he says the same thing. And as we all know, President Bush is a man of his word.
"My friends, I see the FEMA people have arrived for their meeting, so let me close. I see they're bringing in several pallets of bottled water. Which, er -- I believe that water's been on order for three years, but it's good to see it showing up. That's the kind of leadership I hope to continue. Although I do believe that water is needed over in another part of town. But we'll get that cleared up, my friends.
"In conclusion, let me again say how much I respect Senator Obama. But let me hasten to add, my friends, Senator Obama is untested, offering what we cannot believe in, seeking to sell out America to the Muslims, and looking to appease our enemies. He's a good man. I, on the other hand, my friends, will stand tall, shoot first, ask questions second, and continue in the proud heritage of all of our great Republican presidents, Ronald Reagan and the first George Bush.
"Thank you, my friends, and God bless America."
